Have I Broken My Stoma?

Seriously I think I may have broken my stoma due to my erratic eating from having an eating disorder.

My eating disorder isn’t easy to put in a box as I don’t purge and I rarely binge; I would call it disordered eating. My eating disorder started off as a weight thing due to being bullied for being “fat” and that was before I was put on steroids to combat my Ulcerative Colitis. It was a case of I barely ate; I skipped breakfast (still do) and at lunch I would have a Panda Pop, a Kinder Bueno and a packet of Seabrooks crisps, when it came to tea I would eat the bare minimum. I even kept the biscuits and crisps in a box under my bed until my sister found them and ate them but not after making a big fuss because well at the time she was an absolute bitch. We both were to each other but I always deemed her as more selfish, I guess that is just a sister thing.

Over time it became one of the only things you can control when your life feels broken enough as it is from being chronically sick. I then alongside self harm used it as a way of comfort knowing I like I said could control an aspect of my life. It no longer was about weight or what size I was and for I would say 97% now it is still the same.

I no longer self harm even though the feelings are often there; I have managed to do the mind over matter thing or at least that is what I tell myself when in actual fact it has just crossed over to not eating. For me now the not eating is a way of managing my stress or disappointment in myself. I often view food as a privilege something that I shouldn’t have when my mental health is low because of something I have done. Yes I am aware of how utterly stupid that sounds because everyday my rational side of my brain is telling me to stop it and just eat.

Eating is a necessity. Especially with an ostomy or at least the rational side of my broken brain sees it as such. Currently my ileostomy doesn’t know whether it is coming or going and it shows in the output. One minute it is very liquidy and the next it is thicker; however it is still running on overdrive and is incredibly high with the amount of output it is creating.

I am currently in this state of limbo as what I do eat isn’t enough to regulate the consistency. The loperamide can’t work correctly either whilst I’m not eating enough. However I am very aware my stomach has shrank as I have had this happen many times when the disorder was in full swing before. I have very little appetite due to this fact and I know for the sake of fixing my output I need to eat little and often rather than just filling up on juice.

Due to my poor mental health at the moment I have a severe lack of enthusiasm with getting back on track. I was doing so well at the beginning of the year with exercise and eating healthier, size appropriate meals. I had to go to the doctors the other day for something unrelated and risked jumping on the scales; considering it was after 3pm and I had my coat and shoes on my weight didn’t scare me and was where I am supposed to be.

Yet people in my life at the moment be it family, friends, stoma nurse or even the family of people I look after at work have all said I have lost weight. If I was doing this for weight reasons rather than just being a broken individual I would be wanting to carry on and lose those couple of extra pounds to what used to be my goal weight. I don’t have a goal weight any more because of how much I would obsess over it.

I just want to be healthy and have a normal working ileostomy that doesn’t have to put itself into overdrive all the time just so it can work. Does anyone else have experience of having any form of disordered eating with an ostomy? Feel free to message me and maybe we can work through our issues together.

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