Borderline personality disorder otherwise known as emotionally unstable personality disorder, or as one of the crisis team thinks it should be renamed trauma survivor. As most people that suffer/live with this condition tend to get it from experiencing trauma often in childhood, although some people are born more sensitive to their emotions.
This term has been thrown about between the psychiatrist, psychologoist, crisis team and the care coordinator and they think it’s a preliminary diagnosis oh other than the fact they all still think to some degree that I am depressed even though I don’t feel that’s the case. They all think that I am at some point on the borderline personality disorder scale; but I have been working on my care plan with my care coordinator I will be looking at ways I can notice triggers and deescalate them before they become hard to cope with.
So the trauma in my mind that triggered my emotional instability is becoming sick with Ulcerative Colitis and for a couple of years not even knowing what was wrong with me. I have blocked out most of the hospital stays and events; my parents often tell me things that had happened that I am totally unaware that they even did. I feel that it was such a big thing for me to have experienced, especially at what I would deem as my formative years and I wasn’t sure who I was. For instance I didn’t like myself until I was around 17 years old, from that point I felt like I knew who I was and I that I wasn’t being someone else for others sake, although recently I have lost my sense of self and my purpose, hence I did the UNapologetically me course.
I find it hard to deal with my emotions for instance I find it is quite hard to describe how I feel but I think it is why I am good at empathising with others, although I also become very detached very quickly and shut people off or trust too quickly and get hurt. It seems to be one or the other and I mull over things way too much to the point I panic about tones or words I used and how it has made the other person feel; even if it hasn’t made them bat an eye. I also feel very codependent for example 00Steve and I have had a tough few months and it nearly reached breaking point, I often think I couldn’t go on with out him.
I currently haven’t self harmed via cutting for a couple of years but I find myself pulling my hair out, picking at the skin on my fingers and my lips, tracing hard lines across my skin with my nails, restricting and binge eating and impulse spending. I get so close to cutting but thankfully I have my children most of the time and I’m never really alone, I can’t risk something happening and them being left unattended. The impulse spending is the hardest to deal with especially since I currently have been made redundant and I don’t earn quite enough to pay my bills from my blogging let alone warrant spending like a mad woman.
According to the mind website borderline personality disorder can be diagnosed by having at least 5 of these and they have lasted for a long time or make a big impact on your daily life:
- You feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening.
- You have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly (for example, from feeling very happy and confident to suddenly feeling low and sad).
- You don’t have a strong sense of who you are, and it can change significantly depending on who you’re with.
- You find it very hard to make and keep stable relationships.
- You feel empty a lot of the time.
- You act impulsively and do things that could harm you (such as binge eating, using drugs or driving dangerously).
- You often self-harm or have suicidal feelings.
- You have very intense feelings of anger, which are really difficult to control.
- When very stressed, you may also experience paranoia or dissociation.
I suffer each one of these and I feel better in a sense that I’m not just broken but there is a reason behind all my craziness and we have a chance to work on it. That isn’t to say that if you have any of these you necessarily have borderline personality disorder but it maybe something to think about. Now it isn’t a medication and done kind of thing but with therapy and coping strategies I should be able to manage to feel average which is all I want to be of average mental health.
If you missed last weeks instalment please click here.