You may have heard the quote I have used as this post’s title in the amazing animated film “Moana” but not put much thought into it like me the first bazillion times I have watched it, until last week when Ra-Ra put it on again (thankfully I love it so I don’t mind) when I half heard it and I was in quite a low place it resonated with me in a way I didn’t expect. How often do we feel if we don’t have a specific item, person etc that we can’t possibly carry on or be the person we thought we were/are, or Maui’s hook? We often use things as a crutch whether we have latched onto it for personal reasons or societal.
I have many different things I feel less of a person or even less of me if I don’t have, like Maui with his hook. For instance if I don’t wear any make up I feel ugly, look tired and sick. This has been validated by people saying how well I look when I have make up on, I use it as a mask so I don’t have to fake smile or explain yet again that I am in pain or feel fatigued. Another one I use is confidence I fake confidence in social situations because otherwise I shrink within myself and anxiety takes the steering wheel. In fact one of the people I have made friends with in in the DBT group I attend said they noticed I was less bubbly than usual.
I also find myself feeling lost when 00Steve and I have had a big argument, I am fairly co-dependant and I don’t view that as an entirely bad thing. I really think if I were to suddenly not have him anymore that I would break, he is the only person that makes me feel safe because other than words (which are bad enough and I throw back too) I know he wouldn’t intentionally hurt me. I say intentionally because we all have our insecurities that someone else may not be aware of. He keeps me going and even though he finds it hard to give me the constant support I need when I’m close to rock bottom the fact he tries is more than enough because I don’t want him drained either.
Sometimes even though it is incredibly difficult or silly to some we need to look within ourselves for strength rather than holding onto objects, traits or people. You may find this easier in a form of a list of things that are amazing about you; thinking of these things for yourself is difficult no word of a lie so maybe get some of your close friends or family to think of one thing and you add it to your list. You maybe surprised to see what qualities others find admirable about you.
Also try going without your “hook” for short periods of time – for me this is leaving the house (when I leave the house as it is not my favourite thing to do right now) without make up on at least once a week. 00Steve and I do live in each others pockets but have activities and social lives outside of each other too which if nothing else means we have something to talk about. I have started to bring the wall down and let people see that I am not this confident bubbly person all the time. I have insecurities and quite often feel on the verge of a mini breakdown but in certain situations I need to try and keep that wall up.
What do you use as your hook? What do you feel you need to have to be you that someone else may feel you don’t need? Have a think about your reasons why that is.