Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Or for the purpose of this post phone phone propped up against my xbox one! I have mentioned a few times before I have never really liked what I saw when I looked in the mirror. Having eating disorders and mild body dysmorphic disorder to this day are a struggle to deal with but I still keep moving forward.

I wore fat pants on Saturday from the minute I changed into my day outfit till the minute I went to bed. If I’m honest if I didn’t worry wearing two would affect my stoma believe me I would have worn two! But due to being self conscious more than anything.

I was given a motivational push by Ste Walker who runs the #sickbutinvisible campaign over on Facebook.  He did a post on body image that moved me (please read it, it’s so much better worded than I could do) Thank you for giving me the push to do this post! He is also one of the Calendar boys for 2017 which you can buy here. This is the picture he used on his post (I hope you don’t mind I pinched it dude!) I mean look at this hottie!

I don’t really remember much about being a preteen and a teen with UC other than I put so much freaking weight on and that was before steroids and the dreaded moon face. I know I would stay away from the full length mirror. At the time I really struggled to find food that didn’t make me hurt so anorexia was my solution a very silly solution as it never truly goes away.

Now in my head when I look at progress photos I see that I have come so far from the whale I saw at Ra-Ra’s first birthday party. 90% of the mum’s there felt the same but it really freaked me out. I started running and eating clean over a year I lost 2 stone and toned up and I stopped hating the mirror!

However I got so ill with pouchitis which ultimately led to my stoma being created. But do you know what? Yeah I have fat days (if you don’t you lucky git!) But on the most part my stoma actually IMPROVED  how I feel about my body and I can happily look at myself in the mirror. Whether it’s because the bag hides the part of stomach that sticks out from shoddy stitching up or what I don’t know.

I’ve got scars from three surgeries because of IBD. Yep the cesarean I had for Ra-Ra was due to risk to my pouch. But I’m proud of those scars they have kept me breathing and able to create and watch my daughter grow even if some days I can’t do much with her. We were told she was our miracle and we would be lucky to conceive again. My stoma helped me to conceive again even though the pregnancy didn’t last very long but has given us hope of another child at some point.

I think I look better in just my underwear I guess fabrics aren’t constricting me and squeezing my smushy bits around. Don’t get me wrong  I didn’t eat before I took these but that was the silly bit in my brain, because well I look fine. 00Steve and I don’t even notice the bag anymore!

I love the fact she wanted to join in and pose like mummy. I need to be body positive for her. I don’t want her to believe when society tells her that she doesn’t look the way they say she should. I want her to have a healthy relationship with food and exercise. I hope that me having a stoma will let her keep an open mind regarding how other people look or their health because you never know what a person is going through.

If you are having a hard time accepting yourself just remember that you have come through so much and you are still BREATHING. You are more than your outward appearance and that’s why you are loved. Not on a number on the scale or a measuring tape!

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