Some of you may have noticed I have been quiet on the blog recently and that is because I have been fighting with incredibly low mental health for awhile now and that contributed to making what will be the biggest mistake of my life and nearly tore my whole world apart. In reality I have no one else to blame but myself.
I nearly lost my marriage due to essentially cheating on 00Steve even though nothing physical occurred it still is cheating and seeing the absolute destruction it caused broke me. It was heartbreaking to see how much I had hurt him and shattered everything. He went to see family with the kids and the thought of not being around was all far too tempting.
I wanted to stop the hurt I had caused and the easiest and quickest way I thought I could do that was by killing myself. Suicidal thoughts have always been in and around my head since I was a teenager but I had never acted upon them before. Before I knew it I had popped out a sleeve of codeine and taken half before I rang my DBT friends who talked me out of taking the rest and to ring 111.
The paramedic took me to A&E and said it was a cry for help; I was incensed at this because I really did want to just end it all and there was only a tiny bit of me that didn’t and that’s why I rang my friends. The general nursing staff didn’t see me as worth their time. I had a friend who is a psychologist come and sit with me and I told her everything so she wouldn’t be biased but knew all the facts and could help me be a bit more coherent.
They took bloods and brought down the psych team who seemed quite shocked at the little input my own team had given me throughout my DBT therapy. Part of me wonders if I had had that support maybe I wouldn’t have gotten into this situation at all. I still haven’t heard from my mental health team to see if they even knew about what had happened.
I eventually told 00Steve what happened a few days later because those feelings hadn’t gone and for over an hour sat with my friends and our kids dying was all I could think about. We spoke about things and he said my dying wouldn’t make anything easier for him at all and we both promised each other that neither of us would do anything stupid to ourselves. We are by no means perfect and a lot of work needs to go into building back trust but we are in a much better place than we were last month. But we both want to make it work and are trying our best.
Now onto the accidental overdose! I have been suffering with a painful wisdom tooth since I was pregnant with Button and the referral made last year was apparently “lost in the post” and a new one made in March this year. For the week before Easter the pain was becoming unbearable and I was back on regular pain relief whilst at work. I rang 111 dental and they told me to list what I had taken in the last 24 hours to then be told I had taken 2 paracetamol 2 hours earlier than I should so I had to miss the next dose.
I attempted to go to work but the pain was horrific I could barely move my head and my colleagues questioned if I should even be there so I rang up the duty line and explained the situation and went home. I was on hold to 111 dental for another hour before they said due to the fact I now had swelling I had to go to A&E. So I went the hospital and was seen by a lovely clinic nurse who explained that yes it was only 2 paracetamol but they needed to be safe. This is where it was noticeably different; my bloods were taken like before but this time they needed to weigh me. This sparked panic as I just don’t like weighing myself anymore as it does stupid things to my brain so he asked me to stand and face the wall so I couldn’t see the numbers.
When my other pain relief wore off he said until the tox screens were back I couldn’t have anymore in case I overdosed again. He was sympathetic as nobody likes tooth pain. Eventually I was given oramorph before having the abscess drained.
Surely whether someone has overdosed to end their life or by accident the person has come for help and other than be sent to different departments the care received shouldn’t be sub par. I get that some people may actually overdose or self harm for attention but that isn’t the case with everyone and they may just need some more support and help. For instance I haven’t got good responses from the Crisis team when I have needed help and that has spiralled thoughts and feelings out of control.
Have you ever noticed your care has been different? Not just with mental health but with chronic illness too? I get that when there isn’t something visible it makes things harder but when you work in health care you need to be empathetic regardless.