I have currently seen a lot of posts being thrown out onto social media feeds at the moment about intrusive thoughts and until I read this post on The Breakdown I honestly hadn’t realised that there was a proper term for it let alone that other people could possible suffer it too. It is always a sad relief when others have similar things to you even if it is something a bit crap.
I to an extent realised that other people must have thoughts that aren’t quite well “normal”, that aren’t fun and definitely not kind about yourself. This isn’t something I experience infrequently nope sadly I hear the voice inside my head five to six times a day – more if I have been social that day.
Mine do generally have a recurrent theme and that is of inadequacy and lack of self worth. Some of the thoughts have direct reasons behind them from things I was made to believe by others and then they branch off into other thoughts. The way I like to think of it is as a root system. With one main thought or theme then lots of little ones shooting off in all directions.
I chose the image this artist drew of mandrakes because I felt they perfectly represent how in essence ugly the intrusive thoughts are. They are different for each of us – some of us may only have one of two reoccurring ones that are either debilitating or irritating. Regardless of how serious you feel they maybe in comparison to others they are still something to check in with and remind yourself you aren’t the things your thought is saying or that it isn’t going to happen.
So in the spirit of being honest here are just a few of the thoughts I have:
- I am never going to be good enough
- Self harm as a go too whenever I feel frustrated, angry or need to be punished
- Something awful will happen to my kids
- I dunno if this counts but I have an incredibly real and frequent feeling of I need to die but it comes in the feeling of being strangled by something cloth – yes freaking weird I know and it disturbs me a lot if I’m honest which is why I think it counts
- I don’t know what I’m talking about and nothing I have to say is worth listening too – so this falls under anything advocacy, blogging or work
- I am too fat – this one is an everyday one
- Nobody really likes me they just amuse themselves by being polite to me
The intrusive thoughts can be feelings and that voice inside your head? It can be your voice in the first or third person. In fact they are experts at niggling their way in the crevices of your brain; they can strike even when you are having a good day they are in all honesty complete and utter bastards (yes when I wrote that I heard it back in Rik’s voice) It has been just short of three months since the mental health team actually checked in regardless of calls from me or letters from my medical teams; the longer it elapses the more intense the thoughts get.
If you missed the last Time to Talk Tuesday post click here to read.