My Borderline Personality Disorder

On Twitter recently there has been a surge in people talking about their borderline personality disorder (BPD) and how it has affected them. I really like following these people because they are so open and honest and in reality it makes me feel so less alone and not so isolated. Which is a HUGE thing for people like myself with BPD.

I have previously written a post on borderline personality disorder as part of previous Time to Talk Tuesday’s. This time I wanted to talk more about how it affects me and those around me even if it is no longer an awareness week/month, because let’s face it awareness shouldn’t be left for just one day/week/month.

According to the NHS website this is what they define it as:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a disorder of mood and how a person interacts with others. It’s the most commonly recognised personality disorder.

In general, someone with a personality disorder will differ significantly from an average person in terms of how he or she thinks, perceives, feels or relates to others.

The symptoms of BPD can be grouped into four main areas:

– emotional instability – the psychological term for this is “affective dysregulation”
– disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – (“cognitive distortions” or “perceptual distortions”)
– impulsive behaviour
– intense but unstable relationships with others

The symptoms of a personality disorder may range from mild to severe and usually emerge in adolescence, persisting into adulthood.

I think this image from The Mighty is a really good visual of what the symptoms are.

00Steve has always made a joke of my “hyper agressiveness” as he puts it; basically I fly off the handle for so many insignificant things and then it splits off into suicidal tendencies and self harm, impulsivity and then the uncontrollable fear of being abandoned. It is really difficult to try and use the skills I learnt at DBT when my entire mind is in a whirlwind. I know I have a vicious circle well several to be honest and I find it incredibly hard to get one single thought to stand out when I’m in this haze. It’s even more difficult to find one that isn’t negative and self-depreciating.

For instance in the last few months I have struggled with just how much I hate myself and how I don’t feel worthy of anything but negativity. This doesn’t just stop with the way I feel about myself. It is the way I feel others think about me too; for example every week I would go for coffee with my friends but even though the logical part of my brain says they have their own issues, you don’t have the money to go for coffee and they don’t hate you. The emotional side of my brain is like they all can’t stand you, you mope and are full of misery no one wants to be around that. It has even got to the point that I drop Ra-Ra off as late as I can so nobody feels like they have to talk to me. Trying to stay in wise mind where you have a healthy mix of both logical and emotional mind is utterly exhausting.

If I could turn off my brain I actually think the silence would kill me because I have so much going on all at once and if you don’t have BPD then I think a lot of people would struggle to empathise with it even if they suffer from mental health issues themselves. Let’s face it unless you are going through something yourself you can’t just get it can you? I think it is why I have always turned to music and books to help quieten my thoughts as it gives me something to focus on instead of the screams I often have.

If you ignore the spelling mistakes this is literally what my brain is dealing with from waking up.

I always want to turn to self harm in any manner the minute I have hurt someone or am reminded of hurting someone or if I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy; because somewhere down the line I have done something that warrants my complete self loathing. The fact I have promised 00Steve that I won’t hurt myself is the most frustrating thing as it is my release but on the other hand I probably deserve to have this emotional and psychological suffering.

I have downplayed so many things in my life that really have had such a toxic and traumatic affect on me as a person. From domestic violence, to being told I was thick/nobody would want me/I’m not good enough, bullied, to being chronically sick at the age most people learn who they are. I was subjected to so much stuff leading up until getting with 00Steve that has truly affected and warped the way I act or how I see myself. It also makes me think that I don’t deserve him which is probably why I have been so completely twattish. The mental health teams often say borderline personality disorder is more a trauma survivor disorder and I have to agree.

If people raise their voices at me I instantly panic, I cry, depending on adrenaline I shout back and become incredibly defensive. That is a direct result of trauma and so I have been told PTSD but I’m not happy with that because so many people have been through life or death to get PTSD. I have been told I’m too much and I should portion myself out so people will like me. That was something that truly pissed me off because I honestly think if you are going to like me it shouldn’t matter if I’m “too much” at the beginning.

Besides I have noticed that I become less of myself the more I get to know someone and that is generally so they won’t leave. I’m terrified of being alone and losing those around me that I love. We have just finished watching season 4 of Lucifer and 00Steve kept saying how much Eve irritated him and I just looked at him and said that she is me. I think people can’t possibly like me for me so I change who I am to fit more into their ideals. Which more often than not is so bloody stupid because they clearly liked who I was to even become my friend.

I sit and struggle to tell so many people stuff that is incredibly important to me because I am scared of what they will think about it or me. I must look like a goldfish when it happens but trying to summon up courage is really difficult to just come out and say it, especially if the person doesn’t catch what I’ve said as I am most certainly going to tell you it doesn’t matter. It feels like it is the universes way of telling me that I shouldn’t tell anyone about it.

I often feel like two people the confident, happy and geeky me or the scared, lonely and depressed me. I have become so paranoid since finishing DBT that I often feel I need a little tin foil hat and I can’t be myself with anyone; even those I love. It’s terrifying this side of BPD and I have never had it this intense before.

The thought of publishing this is freaking me out but I know that it might help someone else feel less alone so I’ve scheduled it and hopefully I won’t just put it back into drafts.

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